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Van Helsing

Is it possible in a single movie to have Wanna Be Hot Bad Guy Hugh Jackman be unbelievable as a human being, Wanna Be Hot Bad Guy David Wenham be unattractive, and Richard Roxburgh play possibly the worst movie Dracula ever to grace the silver screen? Van Helsing answers that eternal question with an unqualified yes. Dear God, was this movie ever wretched. And the worst part of it was that the first ten minutes or so were so gosh darn nifty. It starts with a black and white homage to classic horror movies - very cool. Unfortunately, the movie was much longer than ten minutes.

Here's the short story: Gabriel Van Helsing (not the original monster fighter, rather a younger brother) goes to Transylvania, where he meets a woman with an awful accent and tries to help her free her family from a hereditary curse that involves Dracula. On some level. Or something. Honestly, I stopped paying attention right about the time of the major plot development. Also making appearances in the film are Mr. Hyde (not much sign of Dr. Jekyll), Frankenstein, and a wooden carriage that seems to explode when it crashes for no apparent reason. Even the appearance of Dracula, a classic Bad Guy played by the Reasonably Lickable, but Let's Not Get Crazy About It Richard Roxburgh, couldn't save this movie. It seems that other filmmakers are taking lessons in awkward dialogue from George Lucas. And don't even get me started on the Flaming Oompa Loompas.