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I was incredibly excited about Jarhead. Almost pathetically so, in retrospect. I mean, Wanna Be Hot Bad Guy Jake Gyllenhaal dressed like a soldier? Where do I sign up? I was convinced this would be a great movie. There was even Oscar buzz. Then I saw it.
Oh. My. God. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a worse war movie. I almost fell asleep. I definitely checked my watch several times. It was boring. And inexplicable. And did I also mention boring? Sure, Jake Gyllenhaal was hot dressed like a soldier. Even Jamie Foxx was surprisingly buff. And, of course, there was Peter Sarsgaard all walking around with John Malkovich’s face and everything, which is always entertaining. But holy crap with the boringness.
Okay, here’s the short story: Jake Gyllenhaal has no direction in life and ends up in the Marines. Then the U.S. attacks Iraq for attacking Kuwait, in a political gambit that had nothing to do with oil. So, Jake and the Marines go to Iraq. And wait. And wait. And then they wait some more. And then the war is over. Luckily, there are some shirtless scenes which help pass the time, because, after all, it’s very hot there and they have nothing to do but wait. And then the war ends. Yeah.
Yeah, I’m never getting those 123 minutes of my life back. Thanks for nothing, Sam Mendes.
for Jake and Peter and Jamie and, of course, all the little people
we never see them, but I assume they’re out there
the sand was lovely that time of year