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The Island

As I’ve stated before, I’m an absolute sucker for Big Budget Action Flicks. They do tend to suck, but I just can’t seem to help myself. And when I heard that there was just such a film coming out with Hot Bad Guys Ewan McGregor, Sean Bean, and Michael Clarke Duncan, as well as Wanna Be Hot Bad Guy Djimon Hounsou and one of my Eternal Favorites, Steve Buscemi, well, I was just a little bit excited. In fact, I was excited until about halfway through seeing it. Then I realized I was watching Yet Another Crappy Action Movie. Because The Island is Not Good. Not Good in a Big, Big Way.

On to the Short Story: Mr. McGregor plays Lincoln Six Echo, a fellow trapped in the horror of a utopian society. Sure, his urine is analyzed and his diet is adjusted accordingly. Sure, his job is boring as hell, but whose isn’t? He, along with the other people around him, have been told that there’s been a contamination of the outside world. The people inside are the survivors, although more survivors are currently being found. Anyone buy that story? Thought so. Turns out, they’re clones of people on the outside who have the available cash to make a clone, thus prolonging their own lives. Some of the women are used as walking uteri, so their client won’t have to go through the pain and drama of pregnancy and labor. Once the necessary parts are removed, the clone is killed. (No word on whether one person can have more than one clone. I’d like to see them explain that one away.)

Anyway, I think you see where this is going here. The whole facility is run by Sean Bean, who is actually remarkably evil in this role, not that it was enough to save the movie. Lincoln starts to figure out the truth and, in a dashing quest to save his buddy, escapes with Scarlett Johansson. They eventually find Lincoln’s client, a guy named Tom Lincoln, but they get busted. However, they head back to the clone facility to save their fellow clones and so Mr. McGregor and Mr. Bean can have a bit of a tussle, which is, frankly, the highlight of the film. The Good Guys win, alas, and some action occurs. Actually, there are about fifteen minutes of really great action sequences. Tragically, the movie is well over two hours long.

The eeriest part of the whole experience was the recurring thought that I’d seen this movie before. Maybe, with Peter Graves? Then, it came to me. I had indeed seen this movie before. It’s called The Clonus Horror and I saw it on an episode of Mystery Science Theater. That should give you an indication of how good this movie is, because it’s the Same Movie. Just with a bigger budget. I felt dumber for having seen it. But will it stop my horrible addiction to Big Budge Action Flicks? God, I hope not.