In the Category of Most Villainous Hair:
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This was a tighter race than last year, but after much discussion and some rather catty remarks, the award goes to Hot Bad Guy Johnny Depp (a repeat winner in this category) for his hair as Captain Jack Sparrow in Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest. His hair just looked like it had things in it, didn’t it? Alive things. Plotting things. Things that would not continue to be held hostage by his headband for long.
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In the Category of Best Villainous Wardrobe:
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Much as we love Conquistadors, the award for this category goes to Hot Bad Guy Rufus Sewell for his collection of Germanic dress uniforms in The Illusionist. Maybe it’s just the buttons, but damn did that guy look good. And intimidating. And vaguely evil, which, of course, he was.
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In the Category of Best Villainous Dialogue:
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Another tough race this year, but the award goes unquestioningly to Wanna Be Hot Bad Guy Aaron Eckhart for his role as Tobacco Lobbyist Nick Naylor in Thank You For Smoking. If only he had believed what he said, Mr. Eckhart would no longer be a Wanna Be. But alas, he was just ahem blowing smoke.
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In the Category of Best Hot Bad Debut:
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This was not a particularly stunning year for our New Hot Bad Guys, but the new HBG that was eviler was definitely Hot Bad Guy Hugh Jackman. Sure, Rufus Sewell liked bruised women, but Hugh Jackman as Robert Angier in The Prestige? Damn, dude. Just damn.
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In the Category of Best Animated Villain:
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The easiest category, by far, to decide, the award goes to the Animated House in Monster House. I mean, it eats police officers! Clearly, the house is evil. And animated. Or so we hope.
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In the Category of Most Criminal Underuse of a Hot Bad Guy:
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While any underuse of any of Our Guys really Ticks Us Off, poor Hot Bad Guy Anthony Stewart Head only got one line in Scoop. At the very least, he gets to take home the award for this category. And have you reconsidered starring in a new set of those coffee commercials, Anthony? You’ll get more lines.
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In the Category of Most Appalling Good Guy Use of a Hot Bad Guy:
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Really, it doesn’t get more disappointing than seeing perfectly good Hot Bad Guys wasted in Good Guy roles. At least with Hot Bad Guy Daniel Craig as James Bond in Casino Royale, though, we got to see him in a skimpy bathing suit. That, plus the fact that he was constantly fighting evil instead of joining in the villainous fun, got him the prize for this year.
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In the Category of Best Performance by a Hot Bad Guy:
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Honestly, we were shocked to find out that this year’s winner could even act! That shock led us to give this year’s award to Hot Bad Guy Ben Affleck for his role as George Reeves in Hollywoodland. Wow, Mr. Affleck. And to think all this time we figured you were just pretty.
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And finally, in the Category of Best Villain of the Year:
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An all around tough decision, but this year’s award goes to Hot and Cool Bad Guy Ian McKellen for his role as Magneto in X-Men: The Last Stand. He stole a bridge, for heaven’s sake! That’s pretty evil!
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